you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
