I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
