i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You were trust falling into bushes
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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