i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
