i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
