come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
