U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
