You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
