Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you had me at cake vodka
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
All the doctor said was why
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
