Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
