I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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