I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
