I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
