it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
