im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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