I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
