we have officially lost it.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
