I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
