I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
