"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
