I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
