Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
