so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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