Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
