He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
