I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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