wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
