How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
