The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
