i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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