I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
