She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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