Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
