I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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