awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
