Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
