Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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