Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
