ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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