Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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