M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
