that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
