Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
