My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
