Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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