I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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