I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
