I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So squirting runs in the family.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
