I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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