cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
that's an acceptable place to lick
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
