No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
