his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
