when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
